How a Simple Family Visit Turned Into One Woman’s Nightmare

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Delia Cai is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

Whenever my husband’s family members come to visit, they always end up living with us for months and months at a time. My husband will tell me that they are coming for two weeks—and then they will end up staying for at least six months.

For example: My mother-in-law is currently at our house. She has been taking over a bedroom and the entire kitchen for the past seven months so far. Our space is really tight, and the kids and I have literally been sleeping in the garage—which was converted into living quarters—for this whole time. Sometimes my stepdaughter and his sister also come to stay.

My husband comes from a different culture than I do, and I understand that this is normal for his culture. But my boundaries have been obliterated over the past few years of this kind of thing happening. I feel so unheard and disrespected by him and his family. We got married during COVID when we were living separately and in different countries, so I didn’t realize that I was marrying into this dynamic.

For the first few years of our daughter’s life, I cared for her all by myself, and honestly it was a lot less stressful! But then I got pregnant with our second together, and felt that I could not raise two young children all on my own and work full time and pay for everything myself, so I moved to his country.

I love our kids so much, and will do anything for them. I want to be there for them 100 percent of the time, even if it means putting up with never having personal space—so divorce is off the table. We have been to marriage counseling before. But now, whenever I tell my husband that we need marriage counseling, he just says “Why? Everything is just fine.” I don’t feel like it’s fine though!

—Frustrated With Forever House Guests

Dear Frustrated,

It’s time to sit your husband down at the negotiating table and for the two of you to work as a team to figure out how to make this living situation tenable. Frame it to your husband not as an issue of you being unhappy or needing counseling, but an issue of “This is not working for our family, and we need to get creative and find a solution.” (If he says “Everything is just fine,” tell him in no uncertain terms, “No, because I am not fine.” If he says that doesn’t matter, then you have a real problem.)

If he’s unable to set hard boundaries with his family members about how long they’re allowed to stay, then you need some tangible concessions in turn. Do these visiting family members help with childcare? Can they do so in exchange for staying at the house? Are the two of you able to consider moving into a bigger place? If not, can you rent a small studio, office space, or inexpensive hotel room where you’re allowed to spend one Tuesday night per week alone (in the style of the novel All Fours) so you don’t go crazy?

The leverage that you have here is the undeniable fact that your two children are only going to get bigger and will need space of their own. Tell your husband that if he wants an agitated, resentful, and stressed-out co-parent—whose stress will no doubt rub off on the kids—then he’s free to keep things the way they are. But otherwise, things need to change, for everyone’s sake!

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend and I live on the second floor of a walk-up apartment building next door to an elderly woman I’ll call “Angela.” Angela has a number of health problems and some mobility issues, and while she can get up and down about the half-flight of stairs to our floor unassisted, it is clearly somewhat challenging for her. She has family over several times a week to help her with cleaning and other tasks, and since we moved in about a year ago, she’ll periodically ask us for help with things such as bringing in groceries, which we don’t mind doing.

That said, recently, we have had to lay down some firmer boundaries with her about what we are able to do for her—she has come over to ask us to go get Starbucks for her, has left home décor items on our door step that we don’t want and refused to take them back, and tried to pay us to start her laundry for her because the machines take payment with an app that she refuses to download (she has declined our offers to download it for her and teach her how to use it). I believe this is exacerbated because I work from home and the walls are extremely thin, so she is generally aware of when we are around. It got to a point where we made it clear to her that even if we were home we were not always able to help her with tasks, and suggested that she let us know in advance if she might need help with something so we could plan accordingly and that we would be happy to help her.

Recently, she has developed a habit of knocking on the door multiple times a week and bringing us food. Initially, I thought she was just being neighborly and thanked her when she brought over some packaged blueberry muffins, but when I bit into one I noticed they tasted off—and realized they had expired weeks ago! She has brought us boxes of cereal that expired years ago, expired meat, and recently a packaged cake that was completely and visibly moldy. I noticed that the expiration date was scratched off, and the next day she asked if we had enjoyed it. I thanked her for it, unsure of how to react because I was so floored by the situation. She has continued to do this, and we’re conflicted—I think she might just give things to us that she would otherwise throw out, but since she has trouble getting down to the trash can she gives things to us instead.

We genuinely wouldn’t mind taking some garbage out for her if she was transparent about it, but it just annoys me that she gives us these things as opposed to just asking if we could throw them out. I’m also curious if she might be retaliating in some way after we asked her to dial back her requests—I can’t imagine giving someone a cake visibly full of mold and then acting like there was nothing wrong with it. Do you think it’s worth it to say anything about this? It’s not a burden for us to just throw these things out, but it’s extremely annoying to me on principle.
However, I’m concerned that bringing it up could escalate her behavior in some way. Any advice?

—Not a Trash Can!

Dear Not Trash,

It would be a pretty wily form of payback to send you and your boyfriend moldy treats, but honestly, what’s more likely is that, especially given her age and the fact that she lives alone, Angela might not be entirely well. I think you might want to raise the issue to one of her family members when they stop by; frame the problem of the moldy/expired gifts as a reason for feeling concerned about Angela’s well-being. If she’s experiencing early signs of dementia, a family member who stops by occasionally may not notice the things that you will notice as her neighbor. Regardless of the state of her health, it doesn’t sound like Angela is having an easy time of her living situation. If her family members don’t seem to have a full picture of her struggles with basic household tasks, it’s time to make them aware.

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Dear Prudence,

I have been dating “James” for a while, and he has a 10-year-old daughter. We’ve gotten to the point of seriousness where he introduced me to her as a friend. The problem is, interactions with her make skin crawl. She still talks like a toddler. “Dada juicy juicy leese.” She still sucks her thumb and can’t work out the simplest problem. Dada needs to change the channel, change her out of her clothes, and do an entire labyrinthine ritual to get her to go to sleep. And she isn’t developmentally delayed! She code switches easily with her peers and other people to the point that I wonder about multiple personalities.

Her mother finds this “cute and charming.” James doesn’t like it but indulges it anyway. I’ve pointed out that this is beyond weird and that she is ruining her teeth with the pacifier, but James brushes me off. When I interact with her, I either ignore the baby behavior or treat her like an actual toddler. “Can she go to the potty like a big girl or does she need help?” This gets me a very negative reaction, but she will be in middle school next year. This is too much. What can I do, if anything?

—Bad Baby Talk

Dear Baby Talk,

If you and James haven’t had any additional conversation about your potential role in his daughter’s life—which includes conversations about moving in, or your long-term romantic future together—I don’t think there’s much you can do at this stage. To put it bluntly: Until you have been given some kind of responsibility for your partner’s child, this 10-year-old’s behavior isn’t really subject to your judgment.

It’s honestly very likely that, given the fact that her parents aren’t together and that you’ve now been introduced as a new friend, she’s acting out. It’s very normal for kids to do that, especially when life feels confusing or unstable. For example, a lot of kids “regress” on purpose when there’s a new baby sibling to hog up all the attention. You’re allowed to be annoyed by it, of course, but I think it would be wise to keep a tighter leash on your reactions to her behavior. James is surely observing your interactions with his daughter very closely, and the way you relate to her is absolutely going to affect the future of your relationship with him.

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Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and just moved in together. It is a little sooner than I would have ever expected to move in with a significant other, but we were both paying a lot in rent and spent so much time at each other’s places it just made sense. However, I just learned something about her that I’m worried might be a deal breaker … and it’s about something as seemingly frivolous as light bulbs!

Early on when we were dating, I realized when she came over to my apartment that she had a strong aversion to overhead lighting and preferred having them off in favor of using floor and table lamps with softer lighting like she used in her own apartment. I thought this was just a quirk and it didn’t bother me at all—lights to me are either on or off and was something I had rarely thought about. At one point, she even gave me another lamp for my apartment so we didn’t have to use the overhead lights, which we joked about and I even found endearing. I was happy to be dating a woman who is confident and assertive in her preferences.

Fast forward to moving in together—we were able to find a reasonably priced apartment we both liked, which even had minimal overhead lighting, which she loved. There were three built in wall sconces which she said she was fine with, and we signed a one-year lease together. The other day, I came home from work to find her changing the light bulbs in the wall sconces. I asked her what she was doing and she explained that she couldn’t stand the LED lightbulbs in them so was replacing them with incandescent bulbs, and that she had replaced the other LED bulbs in the lamps I brought from my apartment as well. She said she had been “hoarding” warm toned incandescent bulbs ever since Biden announced a ban on them in 2023 and that even though she hates Trump she’s actually excited about him rolling back regulations on lightbulbs.

Here’s the thing: We met canvassing for a liberal candidate for a local office and have not had any political disagreements up until this point, so I was shocked—she describes herself as an environmentalist and liberal so I was completely baffled. I took a walk to process and when we talked about it that night, I told her how I felt and explained the environmental impacts of incandescent bulbs versus LEDs. In response, she argued that individual consumer choices are of less importance than wider systemic change, and that LED lights (even the warmer toned ones I was using) trigger her migraines and might have other health effects we’re not aware of.
She also told me that she was willing to pay a larger share of the electric bill if I was concerned about the financial impacts of this choice. This is not an issue for me at all, and she has never said anything about having migraines before. I don’t want to accuse her of lying, but I do think she is being a hypocrite—she is pretty vocal about her political leanings and does not even seem to be concerned or ashamed about her preference for incandescent bulbs.

I do care deeply about the importance of sustainability, but I’m more concerned about my girlfriend revealing a side of her I haven’t seen before, and I don’t know if I can move past what I would consider to be her hypocrisy and refusal to compromise. She is accusing me of disregarding her health, and I’m at a loss as to how to move forward. Since the wall sconces came with the apartment, I’m considering contacting the landlord to see if there is anything in writing about their requirements for lightbulbs in the building so I have some leverage to try and sway her. Any other ideas? This seems like a ridiculous reason to break up with her, but I also think her attitude about this is ridiculous and reveals a lot about her character. Please help!

—Seeing Her in a New Light

Dear New Light,

Moving in with a partner always involves a bit of a reality check where you have to suddenly reckon with many, many aspects of your partner that you don’t find attractive; it sounds like that’s what’s happening for you, in the form of this lightbulb argument. You’re finding out that your girlfriend is as flawed and inconsistent, like any other human. I can understand why your girlfriend would seem hypocritical and obstinate to you about this situation, but I hope you can also understand that you’re coming off rather obstinate and judgmental. While it’s wonderful that you and your girlfriend first bonded over shared politics, I’m sure by now you realize that most individuals tend to not be 100 percent ideologically pure when it comes to their day-to-day lifestyle choices.

It sounds to me that you’re holding your girlfriend to a pretty high standard, and she’s falling short of it. Now you’re feeling disillusioned and slightly suspicious—and that’s normal! But I think you need to tread carefully here, because she’s likely forming her own conclusions now about your response, too. If I were her, I’d have a lot of mixed feelings about dating someone who turns my—yes, possibly selfish—preference for lighting into a referendum on my character. Put simply: It’s not terribly fun to live with (or to date!) someone who makes you feel judged.

My advice to you is that you should think deeply about what actually is bugging you about this lightbulb stuff. If the lighting choices in your apartment don’t actually affect you personally outside of what it “symbolizes” about your girlfriend’s belief system, you need to spend some time considering your ability to tolerate a partner’s choices that you don’t agree with. The question isn’t, “Who’s right about this lightbulb situation?” but “Can I respect and live with a partner who doesn’t always live according to my own standards?”

Dear Prudence,

I’m regretting my neuroscience masters degree. Due to COVID and life stuff, I haven’t finished it, and I’ve grown to hate it. I don’t want to do academics or research, but I feel like in my late 20s it’s too late to pivot careers. I want to do a simple job, but wouldn’t that mean I’ve wasted so many years studying? I’ve burned out, and I regret my choice.

—Disillusioned Scientist

Dear Disillusioned,

Listen to me. It’s literally never “too late” to do anything, and even if there was an age cut-off for changing your life, it’s definitely not in your twenties. And committing yourself to learning is only a waste if you believe that we’re only put on this earth to earn magical pieces of paper to frame on our walls (“diplomas”).

But you don’t even have to make any big decisions yet—and you shouldn’t really if you’re totally burned out. Honestly, it sounds like you need to rest, first and foremost. Why don’t you start by taking a semester or a year off? Think of it as an adult gap year, where you get some distance from your degree to see how you actually feel about it. Do some traveling or get a job somewhere that exposes you to non-academia types. Maybe you’ll decide to quit, or maybe you’ll decide to return to your masters with a renewed vigor. Or maybe a secret third thing will happen. Don’t be so arrogant as to think you already know how life works. Take a beat, and let a few mysteries reveal themselves unto you.

Dear Prudence,

My daughter just informed me of the death of her father, whom I divorced with much bitterness 10 years ago. The man was a worthless, narcissistic piece of shit who cheated on me repeatedly (including with my sister) and ruined my credit rating, which has only now just begun to recover. My daughter knew never to mention him in my presence and I hadn’t given a thought to the creep in years. Now she is pressuring me to attend the funeral because she insists I need to do so in order to achieve “closure.” I want absolutely nothing to do with him—not in life, not in death. How can I get the message across?

—Good Riddance

Dear Good Riddance,

1. Help! A Family Friend Called and Said I Was Her Baby’s Father. That’s Impossible.

2. I Thought My Husband Was a Good Stay-at-Home Dad. But Now I’m Not Sure My Toddler Is Safe.

3. I’m About to Give Birth to a Baby Boy. Apparently, My Mother-in-Law Has a “Surprise” Procedure Planned for Him.

4. I Had an Affair With My Married Boss. It Actually Worked Out Great—Except for One Part.

It seems to me that the person who probably actually wants to achieve closure at this funeral is your daughter. I would consider whether her request that you attend is actually a request that you support her during a life event that’s sure to provoke strong mixed feelings on her end; the death of a parent (even a terrible one) is bound to leave most people feeling quite shaken. Maybe she just needs her mom there to get through it.

But if you decide that you’re truly not able to put your feelings aside for the event—which would be understandable—you can tell your daughter that attending the funeral will simply be too painful. In the same breath, though, I think you should offer to make some near-future plans where you two can spend some time together. It doesn’t have to be for grieving; you can literally just go watch a movie and not talk. Your daughter might still take it personally that you’re not able to put your needs aside for her, so this could be a way to show your commitment to your bond together with her. At the end of the day, I just don’t think you should let your ex, even in death, affect your relationship with your daughter.

—Delia

Classic Prudie

This August, I left my husband for my next-door neighbor. My husband was upset, but we are now on good terms. My problem is with our other neighbors, the Barclays. My 8-year-old son is best friends with their 9-year-old daughter and she usually lives at our house after school.
Since my affair, they have refused to speak to me and have forbidden their daughter from being at our house when I am there (we are alternating days). They have also blocked and deleted my number. Their reasoning is that I betrayed their friendship.

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